About the Author
Rita A. Schulte is a licensed professional counselor in the Northern Virginia/DC area. She is the host of Heartline Podcast. Her show airs on several radio stations as well as the Internet. They can be downloaded from www.ritaschulte.com/category/podcast or on iTunes at Heartline Podcast.
Rita writes for numerous publications and blogs. Her articles have appeared in Counseling Today Magazine, Thriving Family, and Christianity Today, Kyria. She also writes a column for Book Fun Magazine. Her book on moving through the losses of life will be released in Fall 2013 by Leafwood Publishers. Rita loves feedback so please follow her at her website, on FaceBook and twitter @heartlinepod. |
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For those days when you’re one step away from drowning
You know about those days. Where getting out of bed seems like climbing Mount Everest. You don’t want to face the pain. You don’t want to face your life. Maybe you don’t want to face yourself.
You try desperately to pull something out of your soul, something that will fill you. Nothing comes. It’s dry. But you’re drowning all the same.
You can drown in two inches of water. But those days, they feel like an ocean’s consumed you. On those days you can’t breathe. You’re in way over your head.
So those days require something more---more than just air to breathe. You need something solid. Something you can hold onto. You need to open your arms and feel the presence of something deep surround you.
And you have it. He gave it. He knows what it feels like to drown---in his own blood and water. To gasp for air. To be beaten beyond recognition. He shows you every time you look up. Every time you see a cross.
How do you make it on those days? By remembering. By inviting someone into the mess. Right into the broken and empty places of your soul. You tell the story of your pain. You tell someone ----you’re just one step away from drowning ----and you ask for what you need.
The needing is OK. And one thing is for sure; you need someone to come to your rescue. And someone did. You can feel it every time you put your hand on a nail. The piercing. He knows what it feels like. He took it into his own body. It was about carrying the weight of the world on his nail scared hands and feet, so that you and I don’t have to.
If you want to make it on those days, the ones where you feel the pull of the current so strong underneath you that it knocks you down. You have to let the arms of mercy receive you, comfort you, support you, and yes, carry you.
That’s when he pours life into those broken and empty places and fills you. For one more day. You can make it because of what he did. The Father sends the only Son to be broken for your remembering. The remembering is what keeps you from drowning. The remembering is what keeps your heart alive.
The God man says, “It is finished.” Nothing else is necessary. This love was costly. I did it for you. For all those times when you feel like you’re drowning. For all those thin and worn places in your soul that make you feel so vulnerable. I did it so that you would remember.
I did it so that you would know. I did it so that there would never be any doubt in your heart. I gave my only son, so that when you lost something precious, you’d know that I would understand your pain. I did it so that when you felt abandoned, rejected, unloved and all alone, you would remember.
On those days, remember that I loved you to death.
(c)May 2013 ~ Rita A Schulte, LPC
The top 4 cliché’s you should never use when someone is hurting
Have you ever experienced a devastating loss, been hurt beyond words, or been in deep emotional or physical pain, and some well meaning person comes along and gives you a one liner like “All things work together for good” or “It could be worse.”
You probably felt you were punched in the stomach---again. Cliché’s are many people’s go to when they don’t really know what else to say or do to provide you with comfort.
Some cliché’s may carry a measure of truth, but others couldn’t be farther from the truth. While they’re supposed to help us find strength in the difficult situations of life, cliché’s can often leave us feeling empty, frustrated and guilty.
Here are a few you should use with caution:
Time heals all sorrows
I know this one isn’t true because time hasn’t healed mine. Sure, our pain may not be as intense, but no amount of time can heal a heart devastated by the loss of something or someone precious. What time does do is provide an opportunity for growth and healing. Once we get there we can begin thinking about how to re-invest our hearts into life again.
You have to be strong
No you don’t. This one carries with it a belief that many of us have learned from our family of origin. If you were told it wasn’t ok to express emotion, or if you grew up in a home where you were ridiculed for showing weakness, it’s easy to see how you could buy into this cliché. News flash: it’s ok to be a hot mess when you’ve experienced loss. It’s normal.
Your loved one wouldn’t want you to be sad
That may be true, but the normal response to loss is sadness---end of story.
All things work together for good
This is a wonderful Biblical truth, but please be careful when you throw it out there. When someone’s heart is hemorrhaging, that’s probably not what he or she needs to hear on the front end of things.
Most people want to be of comfort when someone is hurting, they may just not know how. Instead of using a cliché, consider this:
Just listen
When someone has experienced a loss, there really isn’t much another person can do to relieve their pain. What the wounded person needs is to express their pain to someone who cares. By being an attuned compassionate presence, you can help a person process their grief by simply being there.
Touch
When people are hurting, a gentle caring touch can mean the world. Don’t be afraid to give a hug, hold a hand or even cry with someone.
Show empathy
Empathy means putting yourself in another person’s shoes. It’s feeling their pain. Don’t tell someone you know exactly how they feel--- you don’t. You may have good intentions, but their pain is unique to their situation.
Prayer
Let people who are hurting know you’re praying for them. Tell them often. Don’t be too quick to throw out Bible verses that will make them feel worse about where they are in the grief process. Give others the space to recover in their own time.
Action
When we see someone who is hurting we want to help. That’s why we throw out the cliché’s in the first place. Instead, ask if there is any tangible way we can help. Bring meals, run errands, babysit, or do laundry. Find the need and fill it.
We will all come in contact with people who are hurting and need our love and support. Remember, the key to helping isn’t to fix things; it’s to be an attuned compassionate presence.
(c) April 2013 ~ Rita A Schulte, LPC
Match dot COM--- the perks and pitfalls of online dating
You can’t wait to hear from that special person again. Your heart flutters. You feel all tingly inside. You feel like a sixteen year old in a 50 year old hormone-deprived body. You know something is happening when you look into the eyes of that special someone and fireworks start.
There’s only one problem. You’re staring at your computer screen. That’s right, you’ve entered into a new era called online dating, where the only thing staring back at you is what someone typed.
Is that a reason to give the idea of online dating the boot? Not necessarily. Online dating is great for a lot of reasons. But it also has its pitfalls. Before you jump in, do your homework and be prepared for a different kind of ride.
Here are a few things to consider before you take the plunge and fill out that profile:
Be ready for rejection
Starting and developing an online relationship is like being in High School and wanting to date the captain of the football team when your still in braces with pimples. You have to be ready for rejection. People can click through profiles like they’ve taken an overdose of amphetamines to see who looks the hottest or who sounds the most interesting. You have to have tough skin and not take it personally. You may even go out with someone, have a great time, and never hear from them again. Heartbreak is as inevitable online as in the real world, it just moves a little faster. If you aren’t the right fit for someone on the front end, you’re gone with the click of a mouse. If that’s ok with you, click away.
Be ready for a different normal
This is a new game and the rules are different. Online dating may seem easy, you fill out a profile, they hook you up with Mr./Ms. compatible, and presto, instant romance. It doesn’t usually happen that way. The first big difference with dot com dating is that the Internet allows people to project themselves in the perfect light before they meet you. Surveys have shown that most people lie, so learn to ask the right questions and use a reputable site. If you find someone you’re interested in, meet up with the person in a public place so you can talk face to face
Communication
Because most of our communication is non-verbal (body language, eye contact, and tone of voice) it’s hard to read someone’s heart online. You can’t see that tender look in the eyes, or that come hither glance. Today’s mode of communication (texting, emailing and IM) is standard for initiating a conversation. It’s also an easy way to blow someone off if you need to. You’re also taking a chance that because someone can write sappy emails they’re great communicators---not necessarily.
Fantasy versus reality
Online relationships can take on a fantasy feel very quickly. If we’re lonely, we can easily fall prey to scammers. We can fall into seeing someone whom we know little about as our knight in shining armor without any evidence supporting that belief. Care must be taken not to move too quickly and not to idealize someone you hardly know. People can put forth all kinds of masks online. They can portray themselves as something they are not, or appear to have qualities they don’t have. A study done by BeatutifulPeople.com said that fifty-three percent of people surveyed said they lied about their online profiles
A different kind of intimacy
Online dating begins with a different kind of intimacy. You don’t really know the intentions of your potential match, so you have to be clear with them about your intentions. Because you will probably spend some time talking over email, you’ll want to learn what to look for that may indicate problems with your potential match. Be aware that some people communicate online for years before they meet.
Requires caution
As a counselor, I’ve seen many people be scammed and hurt from online dating. That’s not to say I think all online dating is bad. But be cautious; don’t arrange to meet someone for the first time unless it’s in a public place. Tell a trusted friend where you’re going. Be on the alert for someone who asks for too much personal information or money. Make sure you look closely at their profile picture too. People have been known to use fake photos. Technology is changing the face of how we do relationships--- we have to decide if we want to take the chance to change with it.
Dot Com dating can be a great way for busy people to meet. It has plenty of advantages. By exercising a little caution and doing your homework on the front end of things, you can have fun and maybe even find the special someone. At the end of the day, the best thing you can do with dot com dating is bring it into the real world as soon as possible.
Back at you: Have you had any experience with online dating? If so, what advice can you give? Please feel free to respond via my website or FaceBook page!
(c) March 2013 ~ Rita A Schulte, LPC
Deciding About the 'Everything' in Your Life
What’s the everything in your life?
Sorrow and suffering are inevitable parts of life. Loved ones die. Dreams crumble. We lose things we love. Eventually, everything we hold dear will slip through our fingers. Not a very comforting thought, but a necessary one. Why? Because loss gets us thinking, it leads us to brokenness, and brokenness determines what happens to our hearts.
The inner loneliness we experience there, the kind that sandblast us to the core, is the best place---sometimes the only place for us to decide who or what will be our everything? We can’t sit on the sidelines with this one, because every loss and every trial we face will lead us back to the same question.
Many of us have been standing in the river of doubt far too long, causing us to build sacred idols to things that will never satisfy. We say Jesus is everything, but we’ve put people, relationships, careers, and self on the altar of our hearts, leaving second place for lover of our souls.
Then, when we experience trials or suffering, we blame him for our plight. If we’re going to move through brokenness, keep our faith intact, and embrace Jesus as our everything, we have to obtain a decided heart about God, otherwise, when bad things happen we’ll forfeit our faith and shake our fists at God.
How do we decide about him? By looking at the concept of God that we’ve already formed from the significant authority figures in our lives.
Why is this important? It’s established our belief system about God. And what we believe about God, what we think and feel about him over time will inevitably impact how we order everything in our lives.
Unfortunately, what we think or feel about God has nothing to do with the truth. We have to base our beliefs about him on something solid. We must decide about God based on the truth of his word.
We have to search the Scriptures, put aside the false concepts that others helped create, lay down the conclusions we’ve have jumped to based on past experiences, and read the Bible stories intently with our hearts.
Then we must ask ourselves: Who is this God we claim to know? Healer? Forgiver? Merciful Father? Every story will give us a window into his soul, and not one will refute the message of unconditional love he came to bring.
This knowing of God----the kind that changes us from the inside out, happens as we change our perspective about who God should be and discover who he really is.
How do we begin? Consider this....
Wait upon God
If we want to know God, we must practice listening, granting him time to speak
Practice the Presence of God
Use the spiritual disciplines as a seguay to come into the awe-inspiring presence of God. Silence allows us to hear. Prayer opens the door for God to take possession.
Worship
The God inhabits the praises of his people. Worship brings us into his presence and gives him the opportunity to make himself known
Depend
Jesus modeled complete dependence on God. Dependence grows out of a life that has been broken, a life that places no confidence in the flesh. A life that says I’m yours Lord, do with me as you will
Trust
Trust is the heart of intimacy. If Jesus is to be our everything, we must know beyond a shadow of doubt that he is good, even if bad things happen. If we don’t trust his heart, we won’t be able to surrender our deepest fears into his care
Keep in mind that the enemy of your soul has but one goal in mind: to bring epic disaster into your life and make it look as if God is responsible for it.
If he can do that, by dealing a mortal blow to your heart, you will live in the shadow of his lies, walling your off your heart to God and struggling to accept he is trustworthy. And if you believe you can’t trust God you’ll look elsewhere for your everything.
There is a deeper life awaiting you, a life of rest and peace rich in the things of God. He gives it freely to those who seek to know him with all their hearts.
Then, when you sojourn through those dark nights of the soul, you’ll understand who he really is. You’ll understand your heart means everything to him. And you’ll understand that nothing in this life can be you’re everything except Him.
(c) Jan 2013 ~ Rita A Schulte, LPC
Sorrow and suffering are inevitable parts of life. Loved ones die. Dreams crumble. We lose things we love. Eventually, everything we hold dear will slip through our fingers. Not a very comforting thought, but a necessary one. Why? Because loss gets us thinking, it leads us to brokenness, and brokenness determines what happens to our hearts.
The inner loneliness we experience there, the kind that sandblast us to the core, is the best place---sometimes the only place for us to decide who or what will be our everything? We can’t sit on the sidelines with this one, because every loss and every trial we face will lead us back to the same question.
Many of us have been standing in the river of doubt far too long, causing us to build sacred idols to things that will never satisfy. We say Jesus is everything, but we’ve put people, relationships, careers, and self on the altar of our hearts, leaving second place for lover of our souls.
Then, when we experience trials or suffering, we blame him for our plight. If we’re going to move through brokenness, keep our faith intact, and embrace Jesus as our everything, we have to obtain a decided heart about God, otherwise, when bad things happen we’ll forfeit our faith and shake our fists at God.
How do we decide about him? By looking at the concept of God that we’ve already formed from the significant authority figures in our lives.
Why is this important? It’s established our belief system about God. And what we believe about God, what we think and feel about him over time will inevitably impact how we order everything in our lives.
Unfortunately, what we think or feel about God has nothing to do with the truth. We have to base our beliefs about him on something solid. We must decide about God based on the truth of his word.
We have to search the Scriptures, put aside the false concepts that others helped create, lay down the conclusions we’ve have jumped to based on past experiences, and read the Bible stories intently with our hearts.
Then we must ask ourselves: Who is this God we claim to know? Healer? Forgiver? Merciful Father? Every story will give us a window into his soul, and not one will refute the message of unconditional love he came to bring.
This knowing of God----the kind that changes us from the inside out, happens as we change our perspective about who God should be and discover who he really is.
How do we begin? Consider this....
Wait upon God
If we want to know God, we must practice listening, granting him time to speak
Practice the Presence of God
Use the spiritual disciplines as a seguay to come into the awe-inspiring presence of God. Silence allows us to hear. Prayer opens the door for God to take possession.
Worship
The God inhabits the praises of his people. Worship brings us into his presence and gives him the opportunity to make himself known
Depend
Jesus modeled complete dependence on God. Dependence grows out of a life that has been broken, a life that places no confidence in the flesh. A life that says I’m yours Lord, do with me as you will
Trust
Trust is the heart of intimacy. If Jesus is to be our everything, we must know beyond a shadow of doubt that he is good, even if bad things happen. If we don’t trust his heart, we won’t be able to surrender our deepest fears into his care
Keep in mind that the enemy of your soul has but one goal in mind: to bring epic disaster into your life and make it look as if God is responsible for it.
If he can do that, by dealing a mortal blow to your heart, you will live in the shadow of his lies, walling your off your heart to God and struggling to accept he is trustworthy. And if you believe you can’t trust God you’ll look elsewhere for your everything.
There is a deeper life awaiting you, a life of rest and peace rich in the things of God. He gives it freely to those who seek to know him with all their hearts.
Then, when you sojourn through those dark nights of the soul, you’ll understand who he really is. You’ll understand your heart means everything to him. And you’ll understand that nothing in this life can be you’re everything except Him.
(c) Jan 2013 ~ Rita A Schulte, LPC
Bah Humbug
What to do when you DON’T feel Thankful
Job loss. Economic pressures. Relational problems. Mental health issues. It’s enough to make anyone lose heart. If you fit into any of those categories, you know what’ I’m talking about. Life is hard, and if you’re feeling a bit ungrateful these days, especially around the holidays, you’re not alone.
Most of us have grown up learning we should give thanks in all things. But when the bottom drops out of our lives it’s hard to wrap our emotions around that idea. Pain, suffering, and loss won’t cause us to fight for first place in line, but what it will do is enlarge us.
Not a comforting thought at times, but a necessary one. Consider the life of Paul. We read his dismal accounts of beatings, shipwrecks, sleepless nights and constant hardship, yet this man of God presses on, praises, and still gives thanks. What are we missing? What did Paul know that we often lose sight of?
Consider this, Paul: Kept his mind steadfast
Paul realized a few powerful eternal truths. First, “The Lord is near.” If God is near, nothing can happen to us that hasn’t been sifted through his divine plan for our lives. If we believe that, we can be anxious for nothing. Second, “He will keep in perfect peace, he whose mind is steadfast, trusting in him.” A steadfast mind is one that trusts in spite of the circumstances. When our focus is on God, it’s easier to be thankful.
Practiced praise
Negative thoughts breed negative emotions because emotions are embodied experiences. That means that when we’re negative, we release hormones and neurotransmitters into our bloodstream that sustain the negativity. Paul learned the secret of being content whether well fed or hungry, whether in plenty or in want. He was intentional about practicing praise. Try it out. You may be surprised.
Remembered what he was thankful for
Paul was thankful because he remembered God’s mercies throughout his life. He recalled his experiences with a God who delivered him time and time again. Think back over the landscape of your life and remember the times when the Lord showed up for you in mighty ways.
Recognized that God is sovereign
Paul realized every trial that entered his life came through the steadfast love of God who was infinitely wise. He trusted and he hoped in the never-ending mercies of his Lord.
Kept the bigger picture in focus
Paul knew there was a bigger picture beyond his temporary trials and he kept that in the forefront of his mind. A bigger picture mentality allows for hope and gratitude. It also assures us of the eternal glory guaranteed us.
When life doesn’t turn out the way we painstakingly plan, when things aren’t as they should be…remember that this grand drama of life we’re in requires much more of us than our comfort. It requires our very lives.
But if we, like Paul, can appropriate these truths, they will transform our attitude about trials and allow us to cultivate a grateful heart.
(c) Dec 2012 ~ Rita A Schulte, LPC
Five Reasons Why Losing Heart is not an Option
Romancing the Stone, Mission Impossible, and James Bond are some of my favorite action movies. The one thing that I notice in all these films is that the hero is always facing insurmountable odds while searching and fighting for some priceless treasure.
Our movie characters aren’t too different from us. We may not be fighting for billions in gold, or priceless buried treasure, but our treasure is just as important. It may be a prayer for an unsaved spouse, freedom from a health issue, or a wayward child. Whatever it is, it can certainly feel insurmountable, causing us to lose heart from the battle.
In 2 Corinthians 4:7, Paul talks about treasure too--- a different kind of treasure. He goes on to explain why once we have it, losing heart is not an option. And instead of our having to search for it, Paul tells us where it’s hidden, in jars of clay (us), as not to distract from its value and worth. What’s the treasure? It’s Christ in us, the hope of glory, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge (Colossians 2:3).
What does that have to do with the problem of losing heart? Plenty, and if we look at verses 8-9 we’ll get it. In these verses, Paul tells us what we can expect as we face the trials of life, he says we’ll be hard pressed, crushed, and struck down. He totally gets it.
But then in verse 16, he kills the moment by saying that we shouldn’t lose heart! He says our trials are only light and momentary afflictions. Really? This is from the guy who was beaten, shipwrecked, and flogged. How could he say this? Because he knew a few secrets about “the treasure” that are key to not losing heart. Consider this:
The treasure is worth the fight
Paul knew an abiding relationship with Christ would bear the fruit of wisdom and knowledge, equipping us for the battle. No treasure is more valuable or worth fighting for.
Grace is only for today
Believers will always face hardships. We are under a death system. But our heavenly Father gives us grace moment by moment that will always reveal resurrection power.
Change your perspective
Don’t deny your circumstances, but look for ways to speak life into them.
Renew the mind daily
Our outer man is decaying, our inner man is to be experiencing daily renewal through the washing of the word in our hearts. Be intentional about setting your mind on the truth, and seeking God with all your heart.
Focus on eternal glory
If we focus on what is seen it will be easy to lose heart. Be intentional about setting your mind on what is unseen and imperishable.
Digging for treasure isn’t something we should leave to our action hero’s. It’s something we can practice daily by following the steps outlined above. They’ll help us to drive our treasure deep, making losing heart seem like a mission impossible.
(c) Nov 2012 ~ Rita A Schulte, LPC
3 Secrets to Finding Peace Amidst the storm
In John 16:33, Jesus tells the disciples that they can have peace even in the midst of trouble. Trouble and peace don’t seem to go together, so what did Jesus mean? He wanted the disciples to understand that real peace, lasting peace, had nothing to do with their circumstances. Trouble is a given in life, but it presents an opportunity to exhibit peace by allowing Christ to evidence his life in and through us.
When trouble comes, our first inclination is to believe God has deserted us or doesn’t care about our plight. We look for proof of God’s love by expecting him to rescue us from our difficult circumstance. In short, we place our security in our circumstances changing. But what if our security rested on our beliefs about the goodness of God’s nature and character? What if we could rest in the one guiding our circumstances, and believed we could trust him no matter what we felt?
Much of our pain stems from our worry about the “why” of things happening. Why did God allow this, why is this happening to me, why would a good God allow me to suffer? We may never find the answers to those questions, so we need to let go of them and rest instead in what Jesus says are the secrets to having peace. Here is what he wants us to consider from this passage:
In spite of what Jesus had shown them, the disciples were convinced that their security rested in the knowing of what was happening to them. But knowing answers only provides an illusion of peace. Jesus points out that in spite of all they said they believed about him, in a moment the disciples were thrown into confusion about what was happening, choosing to run away and deny they even knew him!
Aren’t we guilty of the same thing? We know all kinds of things about God, we say we trust him, we say we believe in his goodness, but it doesn’t take long for confusion to set in the minute calamity strikes. Instead of trusting the one who controls what is happening, we demand answers. But answers won’t be the glue that holds together a heart that is hemorrhaging. More is required. And Jesus gave us a real life example of what that looked like.
Jesus chose to trust the Father in the garden when he prayed for deliverance from death. He knew that the one who was guiding the circumstances of his life knew what he was doing, even though it meant suffering. The secret to Jesus’ choice was simple; he trusted God. So the next time your looking for answers, or feel like you have to know why, remember to do what Jesus did ----chose to trust the Father; peace will follow.
(c) Oct 2012 ~ Rita A Schulte, LPC
When trouble comes, our first inclination is to believe God has deserted us or doesn’t care about our plight. We look for proof of God’s love by expecting him to rescue us from our difficult circumstance. In short, we place our security in our circumstances changing. But what if our security rested on our beliefs about the goodness of God’s nature and character? What if we could rest in the one guiding our circumstances, and believed we could trust him no matter what we felt?
Much of our pain stems from our worry about the “why” of things happening. Why did God allow this, why is this happening to me, why would a good God allow me to suffer? We may never find the answers to those questions, so we need to let go of them and rest instead in what Jesus says are the secrets to having peace. Here is what he wants us to consider from this passage:
- We can chose peace
- We shouldn’t equate peace with the absence of trouble
- We can chose not to let our circumstances determine our peace, or even our understanding of our circumstances; but we can chose to trust the one who holds our circumstances
In spite of what Jesus had shown them, the disciples were convinced that their security rested in the knowing of what was happening to them. But knowing answers only provides an illusion of peace. Jesus points out that in spite of all they said they believed about him, in a moment the disciples were thrown into confusion about what was happening, choosing to run away and deny they even knew him!
Aren’t we guilty of the same thing? We know all kinds of things about God, we say we trust him, we say we believe in his goodness, but it doesn’t take long for confusion to set in the minute calamity strikes. Instead of trusting the one who controls what is happening, we demand answers. But answers won’t be the glue that holds together a heart that is hemorrhaging. More is required. And Jesus gave us a real life example of what that looked like.
Jesus chose to trust the Father in the garden when he prayed for deliverance from death. He knew that the one who was guiding the circumstances of his life knew what he was doing, even though it meant suffering. The secret to Jesus’ choice was simple; he trusted God. So the next time your looking for answers, or feel like you have to know why, remember to do what Jesus did ----chose to trust the Father; peace will follow.
(c) Oct 2012 ~ Rita A Schulte, LPC
When Love Goes Wrong Nothing Goes Right
Cindy was an addict. She was addicted to fixing, rescuing and controlling. She was co-dependent---and she was miserable.
What is co-dependency? According to Melody Beattie a co-dependent is a person who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.
That was Cindy’s problem when she came to my office for help. Se had spent the better part of a 15 year relationship trying to fix and rescue her husband. Cindy knew she had allowed him to become an idol in her life, but she hadn’t been able to take him off the throne. She became so enmeshed in his life that she lost her own. She found herself obsessing over his behavior, checking on him, making excuses for his addictions, and bailing him out of trouble. Cindy was the “hero.”
Scripture is clear about God occupying first place in our hearts. When we are overly focused on meeting another person’s needs and controlling their behavior we are misplacing our dependency. This causes unhealthy attachment and sets us up for dysfunctional relationships.
Cindy’s story illustrates a powerful principle in co-dependent relationships--- the dance of the weak and the strong. The weak person needs the love and attention of others to be filled, and the strong person is usually the “hero” type who needs to be needed.
How can you tell if you are co-dependent, and what can you do about it? The first thing is to notice you patterns and belief systems. Here are some red flags of co-dependency:
Co-dependents like Cindy often have low self-worth causing them to get into dysfunctional relationships. They feel:
Most co-dependents believe that if they keep on trying, loving, and controlling, the people in their lives will eventually come around. It doesn’t usually happen.
What’s the solution? A shift in dependence. Trusting Christ alone as your source of value and worth is the most important first step in breaking free from co-dependency. Here are some other suggestions:
Tackling your co-dependent patterns may seem overwhelming. Start by choosing one behavior to focus on at a time. Restoring balance to your life won’t happen over night, but it is possible. That’s what recovery is all about.
(c) Sept 2012 ~ Rita A Schulte, LPC
What is co-dependency? According to Melody Beattie a co-dependent is a person who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.
That was Cindy’s problem when she came to my office for help. Se had spent the better part of a 15 year relationship trying to fix and rescue her husband. Cindy knew she had allowed him to become an idol in her life, but she hadn’t been able to take him off the throne. She became so enmeshed in his life that she lost her own. She found herself obsessing over his behavior, checking on him, making excuses for his addictions, and bailing him out of trouble. Cindy was the “hero.”
Scripture is clear about God occupying first place in our hearts. When we are overly focused on meeting another person’s needs and controlling their behavior we are misplacing our dependency. This causes unhealthy attachment and sets us up for dysfunctional relationships.
Cindy’s story illustrates a powerful principle in co-dependent relationships--- the dance of the weak and the strong. The weak person needs the love and attention of others to be filled, and the strong person is usually the “hero” type who needs to be needed.
How can you tell if you are co-dependent, and what can you do about it? The first thing is to notice you patterns and belief systems. Here are some red flags of co-dependency:
- Feeling responsible for the needs of others
- Fixing, rescuing or caretaking to the detriment of your own well-being
- Feeling angry when help isn’t received with appreciation
- Feeling angry when others don’t reciprocate
- Looking for value in others
- Denying your own feelings and needs
- Attraction to needy people
Co-dependents like Cindy often have low self-worth causing them to get into dysfunctional relationships. They feel:
- Guilty when they get angry at others
- Afraid to make others angry
- They need people more than they want them
- Needy
- Inadequate to care for themselves
- They must tolerate abuse to keep people loving them
- Trapped in bad relationships
- Desperate for love
- Others are never there for them
- Bored and empty
- They must please others at their own expense
Most co-dependents believe that if they keep on trying, loving, and controlling, the people in their lives will eventually come around. It doesn’t usually happen.
What’s the solution? A shift in dependence. Trusting Christ alone as your source of value and worth is the most important first step in breaking free from co-dependency. Here are some other suggestions:
- Remove others from the altar of your life
- Own your own feelings
- Trust your ability to make decisions
- Ask for what YOU need
- Stop making others your source for happiness
- Take care of YOU
- Say what you mean
- Stop enabling
- Learn to say no
Tackling your co-dependent patterns may seem overwhelming. Start by choosing one behavior to focus on at a time. Restoring balance to your life won’t happen over night, but it is possible. That’s what recovery is all about.
(c) Sept 2012 ~ Rita A Schulte, LPC
How to Chill Out When Your Anger is Hot
Have you ever freaked out on someone, only to ask yourself later what the heck happened? The offense just didn’t seem to warrant the kind of emotion you displayed, but you can’t quite understand why you got so upset.
Here’s your problem; you’re carrying around a card file on the person you blew up at. What’s a card file? It’s a list of hurts you carry that build up over time, giving you messages about a person’s emotional safety.
Think of it like this: I go to the soda machine at work to get a drink. I put in my dollar, push the button, and no soda comes out. I report it to the manager. She assures me that although the machine is broken, the repairman is coming tomorrow to fix it. I don’t get my money back, but I leave content the problem will be solved.
The next day, I return again for a much needed refreshment. I put in my dollar; push the button, no soda. Now I’m irritated. I can feel the tension in my gut. I go back to the manager and express my concern. She informs me the repairman was ill, but will certainly be there tomorrow to fix the machine. Merciful person that I am, I left feeling bad I got irritated.
Believing the third time is a charm I went back at lunch the following week for a drink. Went through the same drill, and guess what?
NO COKE!
I didn’t have to notice my anger ---I could feel it physically. My heart was pounding, I was holding my breath, and I was really hot. Thinking I needed to chill out before I did something rash, I headed back to my office, vowing never to visit a soda machine again.
A month later, one of my colleagues asked me to get a soda after work. I cautiously agreed. Once again I found myself in front of the dreaded machine. My friend put in her money, out came her drink. Figuring we were on a roll, I did the same. Guess what?
NO COKE!
I started ranting, raving, and totally freaking out. My friend looked at me and calmly said, “Rita, it’s only a dollar.” But what she didn’t know was that machine had beaten me out of $10 over the last month. I wasn’t simply reacting to the situation, but to the meaning I attached to it. The card file I had on the machine told me:
These are the types of beliefs we form about the people in our lives that hurt us. With those beliefs percolating under the conscious surface, it’s easy to see how a seemingly small interaction with someone can cause us to explode.
How can we chill out when our anger is hot? Here are a few tips:
Don’t let your anger get the best of you, learn the skills necessary to manage it so you can keep your cool---then go have a soda.
(c) August 2012~ Rita A Schulte, LPC
Here’s your problem; you’re carrying around a card file on the person you blew up at. What’s a card file? It’s a list of hurts you carry that build up over time, giving you messages about a person’s emotional safety.
Think of it like this: I go to the soda machine at work to get a drink. I put in my dollar, push the button, and no soda comes out. I report it to the manager. She assures me that although the machine is broken, the repairman is coming tomorrow to fix it. I don’t get my money back, but I leave content the problem will be solved.
The next day, I return again for a much needed refreshment. I put in my dollar; push the button, no soda. Now I’m irritated. I can feel the tension in my gut. I go back to the manager and express my concern. She informs me the repairman was ill, but will certainly be there tomorrow to fix the machine. Merciful person that I am, I left feeling bad I got irritated.
Believing the third time is a charm I went back at lunch the following week for a drink. Went through the same drill, and guess what?
NO COKE!
I didn’t have to notice my anger ---I could feel it physically. My heart was pounding, I was holding my breath, and I was really hot. Thinking I needed to chill out before I did something rash, I headed back to my office, vowing never to visit a soda machine again.
A month later, one of my colleagues asked me to get a soda after work. I cautiously agreed. Once again I found myself in front of the dreaded machine. My friend put in her money, out came her drink. Figuring we were on a roll, I did the same. Guess what?
NO COKE!
I started ranting, raving, and totally freaking out. My friend looked at me and calmly said, “Rita, it’s only a dollar.” But what she didn’t know was that machine had beaten me out of $10 over the last month. I wasn’t simply reacting to the situation, but to the meaning I attached to it. The card file I had on the machine told me:
- I can’t trust you
- You’ll disappoint me
- You’re not safe
These are the types of beliefs we form about the people in our lives that hurt us. With those beliefs percolating under the conscious surface, it’s easy to see how a seemingly small interaction with someone can cause us to explode.
How can we chill out when our anger is hot? Here are a few tips:
- Address it. Your anger is your responsibility
- Notice your anger signals
- Calm yourself through relaxation breathing (see http://www.ritaschulte.com/acategory/exercises)
- See if you’re making any thinking errors (http://ritaschulte.com/think-this-not-that/)
- Forgive (see http://www.siftedaswheat.com/lord-teach-me-to-actrather-than-react/)
Don’t let your anger get the best of you, learn the skills necessary to manage it so you can keep your cool---then go have a soda.
(c) August 2012~ Rita A Schulte, LPC
Lessons from a Control Freak
I’m a control freak. How about you?
The problem is I never realized it. I thought control freaks were the strong dominant type who demanded, manipulated others, and expected A + B to always = C, as long as they were in charge.
The problem with the formula for control is that it leaves out a very important detail--- the sovereignty of God. God isn’t into using cookie cutter formulas to make life work. He would much rather get down in the trenches of life with us and teach us a few things about our need to control.
How has he done that for me? By allowing circumstances and people in my life that I can’t control! Over the last few years I’ve struggled with some difficult personal issues. I’ve experienced shattered dreams, unmet expectations and a whole lot of personal losses. I would love to say I weathered all the storms with praise on my lips and a song of joy in my heart. But I haven’t.
Do I have a witness?
After some deep reflection, and teaching these truths to others in the counseling office, I’ve realized a few things. First, the only thing I can control is my own thoughts, actions, attitudes and beliefs; the rest is up to God. Next, in order for him to get me to release my sticky fingers off the wheel of my life, he’s had to allow some difficult things to happen to drive a sledgehammer through my nice neat theology of control. I believe he’s used the difficult situations in my life to expose my need for the only thing that will truly satisfy me---Jesus.
Somewhere along the journey of brokenness, I got it. God wasn’t out to break me; he was out to break my confidence in all the ways I tried to control life to achieve the set outcomes I so desperately desired. As I ranted and raved, cried, fretted, and felt totally confused as to why the plans I had so painstaking put in place to make my life work went up in smoke, God showed me that I was fighting the wrong battle. I was so busy trying to control everything in my life so that I wouldn’t experience pain, that I missed it. The real issue wasn’t how to make my life work; the real issue was what do I do when it doesn’t work?
Truth be told, I wasn’t trusting God with my life, or the people in it.
The difficult places he had allowed, the ones I wanted to hit the delete button on, were the very places he was leading me to so that he could evidence himself in and through me. If I kept fighting against the current I knew I’d stay stuck. This left me with only one choice. Acceptance.
I had to choose to accept God’s plan for my life, and not do it with my arms folded and a sour face. A big part of that was realizing God’s goodness and believing he always has my best interests at heart, even if none of it works out the way I planned.
If you and I want to move through the losses and disappointments of life, we need to accept the sovereignty of God. In the words of Carrie Underwood, we need to let Jesus take the wheel. We need to be willing to surrender our right to control and allow him to write the final chapter of our story.
How do we begin? Consider this:
If you’re serious about ditching the control freak label, spend some time contemplating the questions above. They’ll be a start in leading you on a path of self- discovery and surrender---and there’s no better place to live.
(c) July 2012 Rita A Schulte, LPC
The problem is I never realized it. I thought control freaks were the strong dominant type who demanded, manipulated others, and expected A + B to always = C, as long as they were in charge.
The problem with the formula for control is that it leaves out a very important detail--- the sovereignty of God. God isn’t into using cookie cutter formulas to make life work. He would much rather get down in the trenches of life with us and teach us a few things about our need to control.
How has he done that for me? By allowing circumstances and people in my life that I can’t control! Over the last few years I’ve struggled with some difficult personal issues. I’ve experienced shattered dreams, unmet expectations and a whole lot of personal losses. I would love to say I weathered all the storms with praise on my lips and a song of joy in my heart. But I haven’t.
Do I have a witness?
After some deep reflection, and teaching these truths to others in the counseling office, I’ve realized a few things. First, the only thing I can control is my own thoughts, actions, attitudes and beliefs; the rest is up to God. Next, in order for him to get me to release my sticky fingers off the wheel of my life, he’s had to allow some difficult things to happen to drive a sledgehammer through my nice neat theology of control. I believe he’s used the difficult situations in my life to expose my need for the only thing that will truly satisfy me---Jesus.
Somewhere along the journey of brokenness, I got it. God wasn’t out to break me; he was out to break my confidence in all the ways I tried to control life to achieve the set outcomes I so desperately desired. As I ranted and raved, cried, fretted, and felt totally confused as to why the plans I had so painstaking put in place to make my life work went up in smoke, God showed me that I was fighting the wrong battle. I was so busy trying to control everything in my life so that I wouldn’t experience pain, that I missed it. The real issue wasn’t how to make my life work; the real issue was what do I do when it doesn’t work?
Truth be told, I wasn’t trusting God with my life, or the people in it.
The difficult places he had allowed, the ones I wanted to hit the delete button on, were the very places he was leading me to so that he could evidence himself in and through me. If I kept fighting against the current I knew I’d stay stuck. This left me with only one choice. Acceptance.
I had to choose to accept God’s plan for my life, and not do it with my arms folded and a sour face. A big part of that was realizing God’s goodness and believing he always has my best interests at heart, even if none of it works out the way I planned.
If you and I want to move through the losses and disappointments of life, we need to accept the sovereignty of God. In the words of Carrie Underwood, we need to let Jesus take the wheel. We need to be willing to surrender our right to control and allow him to write the final chapter of our story.
How do we begin? Consider this:
- Who is in control of my life—me or God?
- Am I demanding a right that says, God I must have things be a certain way for me to be ok?
- Surrender begins with an attitude that says, God I’m willing…do with me as you wish. Can I pray that?
- Am I willing to experience all the angst that goes along with losing control, and depend solely on God?
- Do I trust God with my life? If not, what’s standing in the way?
If you’re serious about ditching the control freak label, spend some time contemplating the questions above. They’ll be a start in leading you on a path of self- discovery and surrender---and there’s no better place to live.
(c) July 2012 Rita A Schulte, LPC
Discouragement Busters
Have you ever wondered why we get so upset when things don’t go as we painstakingly plan in life? You may be thinking, that’s a stupid question, it’s normal to be upset when things don’t turn out like we want them to; end of story. But is it? It’s true that disappointment is an inevitable part of life, but if it’s stealing your joy or leading to discouragement, maybe it’s time to take a look at what could be driving it.
Disappointment is the result of a blocked goal, a hurt; or perceived loss of some kind. Loss usually gives rise to feelings of anger, hurt, rejection or sadness. I wanted something to happen that didn’t, or I didn’t want something to happen that did. The most important thing to consider is the message your disappointment is trying to convey.
Each of us has attached a meaning to the situations and events in life that have caused us pain or disappointment. When those add up it’s easy for discouragement to set in. How do you know if you’re discouraged? Let’s take a look:
If things don’t go as I plan, I tend to believe the following about myself:
Most of our discouragement comes from judgments we make about our performance or our intrinsic worth. If you said yes to any of the above statements, you’re forgetting a very important truth. You are full and complete exactly as you are---apart from your performance! How do I know that? Because Jesus said we have been given fullness in Christ (Colossians 2:9). In I Peter 1:3 he said, “His divine power has given us everything for life. The word everything here means everything! So whether you feel like it or not, the truth is, you are totally complete, adequate, acceptable, valued, and secure in Christ. That’s the best discouragement buster I know.
Looking through a different lens.
King Solomon was disappointed with life too. He received fame and became greater than all who went before him. He obsessed about success and every worldly pursuit. His conclusion: “Vanity of vanities.” This word means “emptiness, futility, or meaninglessness.” Solomon decided there was only momentary pleasure for all his toil, and each time he repeated it, he got less enjoyment from it.
Solomon counted the cost for success and concluded that nothing would satisfy. No amount of fame, fortune or pleasure. We too must ask ourselves if all the “chasing after the wind” will ultimately satisfy our souls. The point of Ecclesiastes is that God intends for us to have joy, but real joy comes from His hand and begins with accepting that He is in charge of our lives no matter what circumstances or disappointments we face. When we understand that, we can view discouragement through a different lens, one that assures us that God is still up to something even though we’ve been let down.
When we look through the lens of possibilities we can change or modify our beliefs about success and failure. Here are a few discouragement busters to consider:
What disappointments are you facing today? What beliefs are robbing you of the joy that is already yours in Christ? Begin today to cultivate an attitude of gratefulness by refusing to let life’s disappointments steal your joy.
(c) June 2012 Rita A Schulte, LPC
Disappointment is the result of a blocked goal, a hurt; or perceived loss of some kind. Loss usually gives rise to feelings of anger, hurt, rejection or sadness. I wanted something to happen that didn’t, or I didn’t want something to happen that did. The most important thing to consider is the message your disappointment is trying to convey.
Each of us has attached a meaning to the situations and events in life that have caused us pain or disappointment. When those add up it’s easy for discouragement to set in. How do you know if you’re discouraged? Let’s take a look:
- Chronic feelings of anger or depression
- Focus is on the obstacles
- Divided heart and mind
- Feelings of worthlessness
- Feelings of failure
If things don’t go as I plan, I tend to believe the following about myself:
- I’m a failure
- I’m inadequate
- I’m not good enough
- I won’t be happy unless…….
Most of our discouragement comes from judgments we make about our performance or our intrinsic worth. If you said yes to any of the above statements, you’re forgetting a very important truth. You are full and complete exactly as you are---apart from your performance! How do I know that? Because Jesus said we have been given fullness in Christ (Colossians 2:9). In I Peter 1:3 he said, “His divine power has given us everything for life. The word everything here means everything! So whether you feel like it or not, the truth is, you are totally complete, adequate, acceptable, valued, and secure in Christ. That’s the best discouragement buster I know.
Looking through a different lens.
King Solomon was disappointed with life too. He received fame and became greater than all who went before him. He obsessed about success and every worldly pursuit. His conclusion: “Vanity of vanities.” This word means “emptiness, futility, or meaninglessness.” Solomon decided there was only momentary pleasure for all his toil, and each time he repeated it, he got less enjoyment from it.
Solomon counted the cost for success and concluded that nothing would satisfy. No amount of fame, fortune or pleasure. We too must ask ourselves if all the “chasing after the wind” will ultimately satisfy our souls. The point of Ecclesiastes is that God intends for us to have joy, but real joy comes from His hand and begins with accepting that He is in charge of our lives no matter what circumstances or disappointments we face. When we understand that, we can view discouragement through a different lens, one that assures us that God is still up to something even though we’ve been let down.
When we look through the lens of possibilities we can change or modify our beliefs about success and failure. Here are a few discouragement busters to consider:
- Focus on the bigger picture
- Watch for negative self talk
- Place your faith in God not in your circumstances
- Appropriate your identity in Christ
- Cultivate an attitude of gratefulness
What disappointments are you facing today? What beliefs are robbing you of the joy that is already yours in Christ? Begin today to cultivate an attitude of gratefulness by refusing to let life’s disappointments steal your joy.
(c) June 2012 Rita A Schulte, LPC
The Art of Noticing
Life guarantees us two things: change and loss, together they make up the unpredictable rhythm of life. They also exert tremendous pressure on the soul. All the losses in our lives are significant, and each has shaped our beliefs about life, God and the world around us, that’s why it’s critical to recognize them, no matter how insignificant they may appear. Because most of us equate loss primarily with death, we’re unaware of how abstract losses like shattered dreams and unmet expectations can have serious long-range consequences on our hearts.
Noticing how we experience grief involves developing an awareness of the internal and external responses to our losses. External noticing requires that we stop long enough to realize how what’s going on in the outside world is impacting our mind, emotions and physical body. External cues impact what we tell ourselves about our life and our losses. The internal expressions of grief require us to pay attention to the emotions that accompany loss. The key here is that we notice what these feelings are trying to tell us about the condition of our heart.
What You Don’t Notice CAN Hurt You
In the Disney movie, Lion King, we follow the young lion cub Simba, through a story of epic adventure. The assault on Simba’s heart begins early, when he’s a young cub. His uncle Scar killed Simba’s father, making it look like an accident that Simba is responsible for.
Simba’s heart is broken, and he lives for years carrying the guilt that he killed his own father even as he tries to live a carefree life with two new friends, Pumbaa and Timon.
Here’s what we notice from the story: Simba didn’t realize he had an enemy, and that he was in a battle for his very life. His fear of facing what happened paralyzed his ability to choose wisely. When we’re unwilling to see, we’re then left to use whatever coping strategies we can to stay alive. The problem is that in so doing, we wall off part of our hearts, just as Simba did, because the pain is too great to face. Then, we deaden the desire to hope again.
The enemy of his soul brought epic disaster into Simba’s life because he knew that to morally wound the heart is to cut off the wellspring of life. When we stop paying attention to what’s happening to our hearts, we lose part of what makes us passionately alive and fully connected to God. As our story illustrates, the results can be disastrous.
Developing a New Attitude
Noticing is what effected change for Simba in The Lion King. The voice of his father echoing from the past at last reminded him of that which he had long forgotten to pay attention to—his heart, his purpose, and his true identity. As he chose to be responsive to the truth, he was able to face his fears and return to the Pride Lands with a new perspective.
Beginning the Practice
So how do we practice this art of noticing? The spiritual disciplines of silence and solitude provide a great place to start.
The key to entering into silence and solitude begins with a willingness to abandon all distractions. Silence and solitude are an invitation to search and explore both the outward and inward dynamics of our hearts that we work so hard to ignore. Embarking on this journey requires quieting the mind and body and adopting an external awareness of what affects the five senses.
Ask yourself:
Practicing silence and solitude gives space for attention outwardly and inwardly to that which we usually ignore, and provides a beautiful segue for listening and learning.
Being mindful requires we slow down long enough to experience the internal and external cues in our lives. The internal awareness is the music of our hearts, and it’s expressed through the outflow of our emotions. Our minds struggle to keep a tight rein on them, instructing us not to cry. But tears are the heart’s attempt at healing, watering the dry and arid places of our soul, bringing us back to life and feeling.
When we practice noticing, we learn to slow down the mind and give space for learning from our experiences, thoughts, and feelings. There is a knowing and a power that comes with stillness. The disciplines were given as gifts of refreshment meant to restore and nourish our souls. When we cease all our striving and calm our minds, we may notice we can actually listen for the voice of God and receive what he has promised, that “In Your presence there is fullness of joy.”
The most important part of the grief work we do takes place in these quiet moments of silence and solitude—alone with God. It’s there that he helps us uncover our deepest fears, and speaks to them in a way that no one else can. In those moments, spent alone with God, we find out who we are and what we’re made of. But most importantly, we find out who he is and that our hearts really do matter to him.
(c) May 2012 Rita A. Schulte, LPC
Noticing how we experience grief involves developing an awareness of the internal and external responses to our losses. External noticing requires that we stop long enough to realize how what’s going on in the outside world is impacting our mind, emotions and physical body. External cues impact what we tell ourselves about our life and our losses. The internal expressions of grief require us to pay attention to the emotions that accompany loss. The key here is that we notice what these feelings are trying to tell us about the condition of our heart.
What You Don’t Notice CAN Hurt You
In the Disney movie, Lion King, we follow the young lion cub Simba, through a story of epic adventure. The assault on Simba’s heart begins early, when he’s a young cub. His uncle Scar killed Simba’s father, making it look like an accident that Simba is responsible for.
Simba’s heart is broken, and he lives for years carrying the guilt that he killed his own father even as he tries to live a carefree life with two new friends, Pumbaa and Timon.
Here’s what we notice from the story: Simba didn’t realize he had an enemy, and that he was in a battle for his very life. His fear of facing what happened paralyzed his ability to choose wisely. When we’re unwilling to see, we’re then left to use whatever coping strategies we can to stay alive. The problem is that in so doing, we wall off part of our hearts, just as Simba did, because the pain is too great to face. Then, we deaden the desire to hope again.
The enemy of his soul brought epic disaster into Simba’s life because he knew that to morally wound the heart is to cut off the wellspring of life. When we stop paying attention to what’s happening to our hearts, we lose part of what makes us passionately alive and fully connected to God. As our story illustrates, the results can be disastrous.
Developing a New Attitude
Noticing is what effected change for Simba in The Lion King. The voice of his father echoing from the past at last reminded him of that which he had long forgotten to pay attention to—his heart, his purpose, and his true identity. As he chose to be responsive to the truth, he was able to face his fears and return to the Pride Lands with a new perspective.
Beginning the Practice
So how do we practice this art of noticing? The spiritual disciplines of silence and solitude provide a great place to start.
The key to entering into silence and solitude begins with a willingness to abandon all distractions. Silence and solitude are an invitation to search and explore both the outward and inward dynamics of our hearts that we work so hard to ignore. Embarking on this journey requires quieting the mind and body and adopting an external awareness of what affects the five senses.
Ask yourself:
- How does doing the difficult work of grief feel in your body?
- What do you notice in the world around you that causes difficulty?
- How do you respond?
Practicing silence and solitude gives space for attention outwardly and inwardly to that which we usually ignore, and provides a beautiful segue for listening and learning.
Being mindful requires we slow down long enough to experience the internal and external cues in our lives. The internal awareness is the music of our hearts, and it’s expressed through the outflow of our emotions. Our minds struggle to keep a tight rein on them, instructing us not to cry. But tears are the heart’s attempt at healing, watering the dry and arid places of our soul, bringing us back to life and feeling.
When we practice noticing, we learn to slow down the mind and give space for learning from our experiences, thoughts, and feelings. There is a knowing and a power that comes with stillness. The disciplines were given as gifts of refreshment meant to restore and nourish our souls. When we cease all our striving and calm our minds, we may notice we can actually listen for the voice of God and receive what he has promised, that “In Your presence there is fullness of joy.”
The most important part of the grief work we do takes place in these quiet moments of silence and solitude—alone with God. It’s there that he helps us uncover our deepest fears, and speaks to them in a way that no one else can. In those moments, spent alone with God, we find out who we are and what we’re made of. But most importantly, we find out who he is and that our hearts really do matter to him.
(c) May 2012 Rita A. Schulte, LPC
How to Move Beyond Fear to the High Places with God
Hannah Hurnard’s book Hinds Feet on High Places is one of my favorite books. The main character in the story is Much-Afraid, who belongs to the family of Fearlings. Fear has driven her life much as it did mine. I’ve read it at two pivotal points in my life—the death of my mother and the death of my father. The book is a beautiful allegory dramatizing Much-Afraid’s spiritual journey to the High Places, where she learns to overcome her tormenting fears with the help of the Good Shepherd. The story is perhaps most interesting because Much Afraid is lame, and to help her overcome her fears, the Shepherd challenges her to walk the High Places along the narrow edges of jagged cliffs and high mountainous terrain with the unwelcome companions of Sorrow and Suffering. As the Shepherd introduces her to her new companions, she is visibly shaken.
“I can’t go with them,” she gasped, “I can’t! I can’t O my Lord Shepherd, why do you do this to me? How can I travel in their company? It is more than I can bear. You tell me that the mountain way itself is so steep and difficult that I cannot climb it alone. Then why, oh why, must you make Sorrow and Suffering my companions? Couldn’t you have given Joy and Peace to go with me, to strengthen me and encourage me and help me on the difficult way? I never thought you would do this to me!” And she burst into tears.
A strange look passed over the Shepherd’s face as he listened to this outburst, then looking at the veiled figures as he spoke, he answered very gently, “Joy and Peace. Are those the companions you would choose for yourself? You remember your promise, to accept the helpers that I would give, because you believed that I would choose the very best possible guides for you. Will you still trust me Much-Afraid? Will you go with them, or do you wish to turn back to the Valley, and to all your Fearling relatives, to Craven Fear himself?”[1]
Risky Business
As I’ve read this story throughout the years, I’ve asked myself what in the world motivated Much-Afraid to continue the journey? I believe the answer is found in the willingness to risk. I have come to the conclusion that to face the difficult seasons in life, you must be willing to walk with the companions the Shepherd gives you, and you must desire for them to shape and mold your heart, even when it feels as if they are breaking it to pieces. If you’re not willing, you’ll choose to play it safe and stay stuck in the valley; there is no greater travesty.
Risking is scary business because our hearts are up for grabs. But if we, like Much-Afraid, will trust the Shepherd, even when it defies reason, he will turn sorrow and suffering into joy, and peace.
How do we step out and risk trusting God? The same way Much Afraid did---by getting to know the Shepherds heart. Here are a few ideas to begin:
· Spend time alone with God
· Identify your worst fear and ask yourself if it’s too big for God to handle
· Uncover any false beliefs you have about God---replace them with the truth
· Don’t humanize God. He isn’t like anyone else you know
· Watch what you tell yourself about your circumstances. Negative attitudes foster fear and unbelief
· Practice the spiritual disciplines of silence, solitude, fasting and prayer
· Meditate on verses that speak about God’s unfailing love and goodness
· Do a study on the names of God
Much-Afraid made the journey to the High Places because she was willing to risk trusting the Shepherd with her life; even when she didn’t understand what he was doing. That took a knowing of the Shepherd’s heart through the power of intimate relationship. Once she was convinced his heart towards her was good---she was willing to risk.
How about you, what’s standing in the way of you trusting God today? If it’s fear, surrender it to him just like Much Afraid did, and see if he doesn’t lead you to the High Places.
(c) April 2012 Rita A. Schulte, LPC
“I can’t go with them,” she gasped, “I can’t! I can’t O my Lord Shepherd, why do you do this to me? How can I travel in their company? It is more than I can bear. You tell me that the mountain way itself is so steep and difficult that I cannot climb it alone. Then why, oh why, must you make Sorrow and Suffering my companions? Couldn’t you have given Joy and Peace to go with me, to strengthen me and encourage me and help me on the difficult way? I never thought you would do this to me!” And she burst into tears.
A strange look passed over the Shepherd’s face as he listened to this outburst, then looking at the veiled figures as he spoke, he answered very gently, “Joy and Peace. Are those the companions you would choose for yourself? You remember your promise, to accept the helpers that I would give, because you believed that I would choose the very best possible guides for you. Will you still trust me Much-Afraid? Will you go with them, or do you wish to turn back to the Valley, and to all your Fearling relatives, to Craven Fear himself?”[1]
Risky Business
As I’ve read this story throughout the years, I’ve asked myself what in the world motivated Much-Afraid to continue the journey? I believe the answer is found in the willingness to risk. I have come to the conclusion that to face the difficult seasons in life, you must be willing to walk with the companions the Shepherd gives you, and you must desire for them to shape and mold your heart, even when it feels as if they are breaking it to pieces. If you’re not willing, you’ll choose to play it safe and stay stuck in the valley; there is no greater travesty.
Risking is scary business because our hearts are up for grabs. But if we, like Much-Afraid, will trust the Shepherd, even when it defies reason, he will turn sorrow and suffering into joy, and peace.
How do we step out and risk trusting God? The same way Much Afraid did---by getting to know the Shepherds heart. Here are a few ideas to begin:
· Spend time alone with God
· Identify your worst fear and ask yourself if it’s too big for God to handle
· Uncover any false beliefs you have about God---replace them with the truth
· Don’t humanize God. He isn’t like anyone else you know
· Watch what you tell yourself about your circumstances. Negative attitudes foster fear and unbelief
· Practice the spiritual disciplines of silence, solitude, fasting and prayer
· Meditate on verses that speak about God’s unfailing love and goodness
· Do a study on the names of God
Much-Afraid made the journey to the High Places because she was willing to risk trusting the Shepherd with her life; even when she didn’t understand what he was doing. That took a knowing of the Shepherd’s heart through the power of intimate relationship. Once she was convinced his heart towards her was good---she was willing to risk.
How about you, what’s standing in the way of you trusting God today? If it’s fear, surrender it to him just like Much Afraid did, and see if he doesn’t lead you to the High Places.
(c) April 2012 Rita A. Schulte, LPC
Unfailing Love: A deeper look into the story of Hosea
Marry a whore. Keep her as your wife. She will betray you continuously, but you must love her and never leave her. You will be rejected continuously. You will be seen as a fool. Your life will be painful. Your reputation challenged. You will need to trust me. You will need to depend on me. You will always need to forgive, always show unconditional love, and always remain faithful in spite of your feelings of betrayal.
Who would ask such a thing? ---God did—of the prophet Hosea. Why? He likes using the dramatic to drive home a point. God uses real-life people like you and me to demonstrate the commonality of our struggle. But the purpose of this story illustrates something profoundly deeper. God is telling us the story of his heart here. By using the sanctity of the marriage bed, and its defilement-- something he knew we could understand-- he shows us something of his pain regarding the betrayal of the children of Israel. Did you catch the part about Hosea loving his wife and never leaving her? Close your eyes for a moment and freeze-frame that scene. You’ve discovered your spouse has been unfaithful. Not once but dozens of times. This is a person you thought you knew. This is a person you trusted. The truth has seared your soul like a hot iron. Every part of your being cries for justice. Hurt outweighs reason. What should you do?
Now, think about the worst betrayal you have experienced. Close your eyes for a moment and recall the pain. Now imagine you have to experience that pain every day for the rest of your life. And you have to do it with love. By now, most of you are probably thinking, “No way! I wouldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it. But that’s what God does. You may be thinking, Ok, but he’s God he’s supposed to love unconditionally. You’re right. And he does. Over and over he demonstrates his faithfulness to us in spite of our rebellion, just as he did with Israel. He does it to paint a picture of his heart toward you and me. Don’t get me wrong—he was angry at Israel’s betrayal and continual idolatry. But consider this: here in this story, as always, mercy is remembered in the midst of wrath. Rejection of his children is not an option. God never leaves for a better offer. His love is unfailing and his mercies are new every morning.
The story of Hosea provides a powerful window into the heart of God and how his heart breaks over our constant infidelity and wandering. While this story is symbolic of God’s relationship to Israel, it is nonetheless applicable to each and every child God has loved and desired intimacy with. I believe God’s heart is saddened under the weight of our lack of faith and trust in his goodness. I believe he is disappointed that we often choose not to see the love of his heart toward us. And just as he lamented over Jerusalem in Luke 13:34, I think his heart is broken at how quickly we forget him to chase after another.
So consider this; God wants to show us that even though we whore after other things, even though we don’t trust him, even though we rage at him and blame him for our plight—just as the children of Israel did—he waits patiently for us, constantly showing us the mercy and compassion of his heart. That’s the best Valentines Day gift I can think of.
So, the next time you’re tempted to believe no one understands your pain-- remember the story of Hosea-- and how God demonstrates his faithfulness to us in spite of our wandering hearts.
(c) March 2012 Rita A. Schulte, LPC
Who would ask such a thing? ---God did—of the prophet Hosea. Why? He likes using the dramatic to drive home a point. God uses real-life people like you and me to demonstrate the commonality of our struggle. But the purpose of this story illustrates something profoundly deeper. God is telling us the story of his heart here. By using the sanctity of the marriage bed, and its defilement-- something he knew we could understand-- he shows us something of his pain regarding the betrayal of the children of Israel. Did you catch the part about Hosea loving his wife and never leaving her? Close your eyes for a moment and freeze-frame that scene. You’ve discovered your spouse has been unfaithful. Not once but dozens of times. This is a person you thought you knew. This is a person you trusted. The truth has seared your soul like a hot iron. Every part of your being cries for justice. Hurt outweighs reason. What should you do?
Now, think about the worst betrayal you have experienced. Close your eyes for a moment and recall the pain. Now imagine you have to experience that pain every day for the rest of your life. And you have to do it with love. By now, most of you are probably thinking, “No way! I wouldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it. But that’s what God does. You may be thinking, Ok, but he’s God he’s supposed to love unconditionally. You’re right. And he does. Over and over he demonstrates his faithfulness to us in spite of our rebellion, just as he did with Israel. He does it to paint a picture of his heart toward you and me. Don’t get me wrong—he was angry at Israel’s betrayal and continual idolatry. But consider this: here in this story, as always, mercy is remembered in the midst of wrath. Rejection of his children is not an option. God never leaves for a better offer. His love is unfailing and his mercies are new every morning.
The story of Hosea provides a powerful window into the heart of God and how his heart breaks over our constant infidelity and wandering. While this story is symbolic of God’s relationship to Israel, it is nonetheless applicable to each and every child God has loved and desired intimacy with. I believe God’s heart is saddened under the weight of our lack of faith and trust in his goodness. I believe he is disappointed that we often choose not to see the love of his heart toward us. And just as he lamented over Jerusalem in Luke 13:34, I think his heart is broken at how quickly we forget him to chase after another.
So consider this; God wants to show us that even though we whore after other things, even though we don’t trust him, even though we rage at him and blame him for our plight—just as the children of Israel did—he waits patiently for us, constantly showing us the mercy and compassion of his heart. That’s the best Valentines Day gift I can think of.
So, the next time you’re tempted to believe no one understands your pain-- remember the story of Hosea-- and how God demonstrates his faithfulness to us in spite of our wandering hearts.
(c) March 2012 Rita A. Schulte, LPC
Disclaimer
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